Exposure || Heart Aftermath

I never knew how to appreciate Valentine's day. I still don't really understand it and, seriously, it paralyzes me. It comes with expectations that the media has slammed in my face. In life's little situations where expectations run high, I do the same. I know that coming up to this day of hearts I tried to avoid the looming expectations, that way I could respond to whatever came my way.

After the day came and went I realized that the media puts expectation all in the wrong place. When I spend my energies on the excitement of showing others I care, expecting things from others or worrying that my contributation to the day isn't enough, just doesn't come into consideration. For those of you who don't have anyone to dote on you or give you warm fuzzies, realize that it isn't in what you can take. It is what you have to offer to just about anyone. When I engulfed myself in my reaching out, I was happily surprised at what I got in return. It isn't like I had low expectations from others, I just knew that the focus was on what I expected from myself.

Yes, I was thrilled to receive these beautiful white roses from Christopher.

Exposure || Dramatic Earth + The Snow

Capturing the winter is an interesting affair. With all the gray skies, gray trees, gray earth, and graying snow, I just want to see something fresh and bright. Desperately. Each time there is a calm storm, leaving fluffy white stuff on boughs of green pine and naked branches, I sigh. Though it is cold, I love seeing how clean the earth looks at these moments. The earth is still and dramatic at the same time. You can hear your heart almost. Every little movement is caught, from small footprints in the yard and clumps of snow falling. I love the sky on these days. The blue pierces and the sunsets impress. These times give me blessings so that I might be energetic till spring.

I long for spring, when I can stop using energy to keep warm in the chill. I want to use it for letting loose and let the dreams become possibilities. I also cannot wait to see everyone come out of their caves (homes). You won't catch this anywhere else where it is warm most of the time. Everyone gets active. Like bees. Cleaning the yard, taking walks, clearing sand off the sidewalk, and removing those pesky Christmas lights. It is good.

Spring will come.

Exposure || Drive + 75%

I have this hang up. I don't think I am living to my full potential. I am scared. Scared to make a mistake. What am I thinking?! It is like I am scared to be human or something. I hate spending money. I don't travel alone. I hate taking a crappy picture. If a recipe turns out sour, I put my hands up, in surrender. I look like I give up, ya? Well it is probably true. I only accomplish those things that I know I can. Other than that I pretty much take it easy.

I went to college and got a bachelor of science degree. Yup, I did not give up on that. I knew it was possible to accomplish. Now, of course there were those times when I had some HARD test that might have taken me out, but I knew deep down. Just the other day my dad suggested I sign up for a mini triathlon. I began thinking about how I was willing to pay the $40 so I could use a pool and a tread mill. Because I know deep down, I can do it.

How does a person get the drive to try and accomplish a task that 75% of the time could fail? Like when your gut just tells you, it is NOT going to work out. Do we need to focus on smaller goals to get there? I need some kind of visual structure to get where I think it is impossible. Like becoming a professional photographer. I guess if I believe that God wants me to do it, that should be my drive, right? Hmm... pondering.

Here are some pictures of more animals.




Happy cold day!

Exposure || Climax, You Have Me Tied

I wanted to write something that I observed in my life, in hopes that maybe it can help you if need be.

I worry a lot. Having a lot of unknowns really throws me for a loop. When I was younger I would read at the end of a book because I was not patient enough to wait for the story to unfold. I know that I would like to do the same thing with my life, but thank the Lord, I cannot do that. He wants me to exercise patience. I know that I may hyperventilate, instead of exercising, but at some point I am going to have to bite the word and just do it. I have nothing else to practice that will enhance my life. It is easy to become reserved and hide myself in the mean time, but I know that the only way that I can live during this climax, is to run without reservation.

Here are 2 burrows. The first one slowly approached us with timidity... kinda sad.


The second one ran, made noise all the way, and then reached us as far as possible for some love. Look at him... isn't he so cute!


Sieze the day!!!

Personal || Negative Digits + Productivity

Today has been very productive with the website. I am quite glad. I not only conquered that pesky baroque background, I also created a "send" button for the contact page and completed my logo (aka initals). I wish that you could all see it right now, but oh well. Another big thing that I have to complete for the website are the galleries. Carefully picking what pictures I want to display for my "portfolio" takes much thought you know.

In other news, it has been COLD today. I left the house for a little while this morning and the dash in my car told me it was -8 degrees. Ya... my nose was sticking. Right now my feet are cold even in the house. Despite that, the sun shown in all its glory. Not a cloud in the sky.

Well there isn't much else to say, so I will leave you with a couple pictures I snapped this afternoon. I had to ease the itch to take pictures.



Happy Brrrrr Day!

Personal || Birthday #27

Here it is the snowiest day of the year and I am indoors watching the spectacle. Can't really leave the house but I guess that will make for a sunny AND snowy wonderland when I go to Boston tomorrow!

Why write a huge paragraph about your day when you can just list it?

- watched some winter birds eat seeds in the blustery wind
- made some lunch and drank some Izze
- exported last year's pictures to my dad's external hard drive (17 gigs worth)
- wrote this blog
- tried to find a movie on Netflix.... failed
- progress is being made on my website as we speak!
- will be eating some more of that vegan carrot cake from Christopher
- I think blowing out 27 candles will be in the works too

Exposure || Lemons

Lemons symbolize the freedom that I dream of. Not the sour taste, but the freshness and ways in which it enriches our lives. It cleanses the air and quenches thirst in the summer time. I don't really want a life without rough spots, but I do want a life where I am living to my full potential and purpose with the ones I love around.

I realize more and more that I like to be with people when I feel I have a mission. I like to help people sort out their clutter and clarify the visual dissonance in a room or image. It feels good to share common ground and laugh about some inside joke. Learning about how people show they care is also pretty fascinating.

Skip the misunderstanding and see where they are coming from first! I will be the one to raise my hand and say that I don't always fit my feet in someone else's hypothetical shoes. So basically, I want to take those lemons from the grocery shelf, put them in my basket, make a purchase, and put them into my life for realz!

Personal || Another Kind of Exposure

Onions. When they are cut, they make you cry. Pealing their outer layer of brownish skin can become taxing at times. Fried, they are sweet. Raw, you get the bite and the burn. Onions have layers. Round, circling layers in either green, white, or purple. Burrowed in the ground they only come out for partial examination.

I feel like an onion. Exposed and raw I can burn your expectations and speak with a bite that cuts the bubble of bliss right out. I would love to be sweet, but frying me would change my chemistry. Transparency would suit me though. I have layers and surprisingly every single one of them is the same... circular and growing smaller and even more simple. On the outside I have an annoying surface that is hard to break through. I am only found when uncovered.

Here is the thing. Onions have enemies and lovers of the pallet. Some like that burn and bite. Stick with an onion and you will notice who is sensitive or not... all asking "are you OK?" as you wipe your eyes. Prepared any which way, they still remain AN ONION. There is no wondering, no second guessing. Even after the onion has come and gone others still know that you have been with the ONION.

I am more than the layers. I am something that is loved deeply and misunderstood strongly, but not by the same. I don't mind. I get to be cousins with the carrot anyways. Right? RIGHT?!?!

Haha. This is my attempt at exposure.

p.s. I get along great with GARLIC.

Personal || Liking

There are things we like. Novel things really. This picture I took, I like because it is something different than what I usually photograph. I usually like to keep it crisp, real, and bright. This is well, artistic? I guess.

Personal || Walks

Walks revitalize. At this point in my day, I need sleep but I can still remember that getting some exercise really does wake up the mind. Sabbath is a good day to get that much needed exercise in. Not only do we have the opportunity to put away the worries of work aside, we can take the time to revitalize and get ourselves back on track with each other, our minds, and with God. Take a look at some pictures from my Sabbath walk.

Personal || Dreams + A Bass

You have a passion that takes you places.... far places. Then you have those things that you love from a distance or maybe dream about when no one is looking. I have one of those. I would love to play the guitar, write music, and sing. Am I doing it? Nope. I only do 1/3 of that dream. Well every once in a while, a person will decide after many years to take on a dream... like opening a restaurant, traveling with a campaign, or for my mom... playing the double bass. Yes, apparently my mom has wanted to play the double bass for quite some time. For her birthday we went down to a shop outside of Boston to take a look. A few days later she had a huge instrument in her little Corolla.

Yesterday I took a few pictures of it. It has been a while since I have picked up my own camera because of work. Felt good to pick up my own equipment. :D

Personal || Blurb About Transition Part I

There it is night, and you are in a fog. More like a mist. There is not very much to see out there on the road. The headlights of your last bit of car have been shining on the parallel yellow lines for about thirty minutes. Leaning against the cool metal surface of the hood, you tilt your head back and rest your eyes. The dampness settles onto your skin and collects drops upon your lashes. You know that you should have gotten out the map back at that intersection 4 hours ago. It just seemed like you had more of a handle on where you were going. Everything looked pretty familiar, until you reached the thick woods. Strange how the open terrain ended in this foggy night out in the rustling forest with haunting howls. You want to relax your body, but fear grips and the chill causes you to grip your upper arms. A million thoughts go through your head. The gas tank is low, there was a clankity-clank under the hood, your stomach talks, fatigue engulfs your head, and there seems to be no way out of this mist. You have a final destination. The directions were just all lost in translation. You must make a decision. You must discover a solution...................

Just Some Sabbath Reflection

God and love. The devil really knows how to stir things up. Make us all confused about love and God and just livin'. God makes a promise and the devil makes a temptation. God makes laughter and the devil makes mockery. Here we are stuck in between, surviving... barely. There is a war. A big one really. There is bloodshed, but this war started before. There is crime, but this war began with just an envious thought. The war is not between us humans. God has to show the universe that what the devil has been telling everyone is all just a hoax. He has to be patient for the perfect moment to save His humans. He has to wait for the exact time to scoop them all back up into His perfect kingdom. He had to give us the opportunity to make our own choices. We failed. He planned. He succeeded. So there is a war. It has been won. We just have to take the time to realize that, YES, the battle has been won! We can go home. We can believe that He is who He says He is. He is love.

Personal || Speaking For Me

We all have something to say. When no one seems to be listening we speak louder or repeatedly. I sometimes speak without thinking. Blunt, rough, and a little too much. Sometimes I want to contribute to an in depth discussion and feel my heart rate increase, causing my head to get a little buzz, then I just cannot hold it any longer inside. Out of fear of transitioning into the conversation, I have the apprehension.

There are smooth talkers, experienced initiators, multitasking conversationalists. I admire those that have the ability to bring people together through words and expressions. But what about those who panic inside as another speaks to them? What about those that speak and then the rest of the world takes it all the wrong way? What about those who become frustrated with all the words... the phrases?

Everyone has the ability to speak. We often get narrow-minded into believing that speaking is only done one particular way. We all want to be influential I think, but it takes stepping out into the risky zone of critique. If you want to be heard... through words, picture, actions, etc.... you have to trust in your own technique. God's gift to you. Once you embrace this, those that need your influence will hear.

Just make sure that you enjoy yourself while you do it. Put aside the frustration. Just speak.

Insight || Catching The First Rays

I have life at my finger tips and I am overwhelmed. I am not really sure where to begin in undertaking the possibilities, but the options I do have are pretty incredible. I have been given many gifts by God. I am just beginning to realize that I need to cultivate them. I cannot be sitting around hoping that they will take flight or make a difference. I have to research, stretch, and stir up what I have been given.

Everything must be cultivated. Gardens, relationships, talents, knowledge, portfolios, chemicals. Why we sit around bored, I don't know. Why I sit around and think that boredom has me prisoner, I don't know. We have to realize that, just like those in New England who sit out on the beach in their sweaters trying to catch the first rays of spring, we must catch blessings the first time they appear. Even when we are chest deep in discomfort or... muck.

I have to remember this too.


May we jump at the first sight of a good thing. Do a little dance. Then run with the good thing.

Light... I Cannot Talk Enough About It

I have always believed that God, though grand, is simple. Yes, there are concepts that we do not yet understand and there are plenty of mechanisms that we have discovered that remain mysterious. But this does not mean that the way that God governs the universe is out of our comprehension. Patterns exist through out the body, the world, the solar system, and straight to the Milky Way. He designed our minds to hold so much information in simple terms. Everything is packed away in relations, not individual details. These symbols that are activated each time that we remember are a series of patterns. Though our mind is mysterious still... it possesses the ability to store so much information in only a few pounds of tissue. Complex yet so basic. Maybe this is hard to understand in written terms.

God wants us to relax in His simple love. Here we can examine the beauty of His creation, though tainted by our curse. He wants us to notice His signature. Seven days of creation were not just for His own enjoyment. He created us in His own image... an image that craves companionship. Do you not enjoy experiencing something beautiful with someone? Does it create a lonely pit in your stomach when you notice the intense sunset with no one around? He made this all for us, that He might watch our faces light up.


The devil has clouded our minds cleverly. Through lies, doubt, disappointment, pride... we all fall prey to the darkness. In the dark we believe that God is far off somewhere playing hide and seek. We have become a people who believe that God is in the unknown. Mysterious colors in the sky and feathers in flight... we are afraid to know how nature works.

We do need to learn to appreciate what God has given us, but we also need to come to the realization that God wants us to know more. He wants us to see how He meticulously formed the hairs upon the cucumber. He wants us to stand in awe when we discover that the muscle is more than just a piece of meat... it moves with perfect form and glide. God's creation is infinite... just like His love.


Light. It is what gives a photograph energy and dimension. That is how God wants us to view His creation. He wants us to look at His work from all angles and see that it is not flat. He does not want us to stop learning. Growth... an infinite ability. Without Light we are void. Without Light I really do not have any inspiration. Light does not equal mystery. It reveals... makes clear... simplifies. One day we will understand and know that God is who He has always claimed to be. I cannot wait for that day. Awesome.

Insight || On the Other Side of Sorrow

This year spring has arrived early. The issue that can evolve from this is that we automatically assume that it will be warm enough to trapeze through the fields with flippy flops and trimmed up clothing. I tried going out in my Tevas. I got as far as the backyard along the tree line.

The last couple of days we have been cleaning out all of the dead branches and fallen trees from the ice storm that hit this state two winters ago. Ya, finally we are doing something about it. The thing is that the trees don't even belong to us and they are pretty much out of the way, so hence the delay. Well, we became sick of looking at the eye sore. There will still be a few trees bent over, but as of now it is looking better already. We still have to bring out the chain-saw for the big jobs. That is for Dad to take care of.


We decided that it was a good idea to turn a lot of the dead branches into kindling. I felt like a woods woman gathering sticks for my little fire in the hut. It also reminded me of when God told the Israelites to refrain from picking up sticks on the Sabbath. I can see why He would command us not to do it.


There is something to be said about being outside. The fresh air is always mentioned, but I have to say that really getting to know the woods around you makes it feel like your territory has increased. Sounds weird, but I feel the same way about cleaning my place for the first time. It becomes your own.


In one of the trees that we were removing, there was a little nest. Thankfully there were no eggs. How fascinating is it that a bird can weave twigs together into this bowl shape with just a beak? I mean seriously... at least they have the advantage of a sharp beak. Those are some tiny twigs.


Even as ferociously as this spring has come with all the rain, it still gently lets go of death. Mourning the death of the year before can never last too long, yet it is good to remember where we came from and where we are headed. Like autumn, the spring is a transition for us humans. We have a hard time with sorrow. We also have a hard time letting go and reaching for what is new and better for us. Let us remember that Heaven is what we should strive for. It is a place that God had in mind for us all along. It is where He wants to dwell with us.


God wants you home. It costs you nothing. Just the ability to reach out and accept that He took the debt for you. You do not have to live in sorrow, you can reach for Spring.

Space, Not Just For The Universe

So I have to do some work to get some space on my computer for the size of the pictures on my new camera. I am probably going to buy an external hard drive because my computer just doesn't come with that much space. I would be putting pictures on DVDs every week! I at least took one picture off of my camera for all of you to see. I enjoy using Lightroom for my editing needs, but since I cannot import as usual I will just give you the original. Happy new week!

Spring

Basic title for a brain that is swimming with Winter dust. It is time for Spring cleaning. Not just for the house and windows, but for my mind as well. It feels awfully cobweb-y these days. I think when you have lots of time to sit around and think about it, you notice the changes that need to be made. I have used education and massive OCD cleaning techniques to occupy the parts of me that I am too lazy to revitalize or restore. Even writing about this, I cringe. It means I have to do something, maybe?

I really have no idea where to begin. Do I fill my time with thankful lists and discovering beauty? Or do I get really large with my endeavors and seek out the adventurous? I have spent my life reflecting on loss. Somehow it makes me feel like I still have the thing that was lost. But I am realizing in this non-working-non-schooling atmosphere, I need to make changes to my life. This life needs to look at what is good. My routine needs to see what I have gained. It is not something I drop everything for and spend a day of special-ness. The change will become me. It has to have been me all along... just the parts of me that make God smile. People smile. Me smile. I am sure that even then there will still be a few upside down smiles as I become the better me. It is also easy to believe we are the better me... as we deny our harsh words and stubborn lack of vulnerability.

Spring. It is a motion. Upward or forward. It takes muscle for such motion. Spring. It smells of rebirth and damp dirt. Birds and mammals are born. New Englanders emerge out of their homes to burn the dead leaves, rake away the sand by the road, and remember how the warmth hugs their bodies. Spring. Here the water washes away the litter and brings forth the buds. Though the clouds are many, the Earth still awakens. If God can awaken the Earth, He most certainly can do the same for me. And you too.

The Old... Why Run?

I enjoy old things. When I was a kid I LOVED wearing old shoes. You know what it is like when you wear someone else's shoes, how the palm of your foot just does not match up in that thing. An old shoe fits my foot perfectly, it just knows me. Most of my shoes end up pretty loose too. I always hated tying and untying my shoes. Clogs were the best thing, especially in my mother's opinion.

Old friends. They come with inside jokes and stories about the "good old days". Older folks have lots of wisdom and relay stories to us about how life was simpler, different, and almost foreign. Thinking about the fact that most of the buildings and castles in Europe are thousands of years old while we sit here in America and think that old is 200 years, is pretty fascinating. One day I will get to see those old places. For now all I have to show you is the old town center of Shirley. Enjoy!





There are so many beautiful things about the old, so why is it that we fear growing old? I know that becoming less energetic and wrinkly is not all that swell, but only thinking about it will make it more noticeable. Focus on what makes the old so wonderful. It knows. It has been to the hills and back alive.