Sunday, November 1, 2009

I am having a terrible time trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. Sometimes it is just living by the moment. Catching happiness in a second of time that is allotted to me. But it is when I get so caught up in that little second that I forget the ones that come after. I realize I might have to plan for others, so that they too are enjoyable.

A job. It stares me down like the evil monster in your childhood dreams. Red eyes. Flaring nostrils venting out smoke and almost fire. I want to breathe each day. Step out into the sun and let it fold its huge arms around me. When is it that I feel most alive? What I once thought was good, this randomness inside me, I now think of as a beast. It does not let me know when it will turn, scares those I love, threatens the ones that attempt a venture into my story. I need to rein in this fierce beast. Maybe make it into the disciplinary punch for the beginning of something great.

What attracts me to certain things? What makes me fire up and jump at the chances? It is the beautiful. It is the simple and refreshing. It is the bright and glorious. Newness is only important if it helps us out, so I want to live in what is refreshing and beautiful. Light. I need to understand it so much more. Not just physically, but spiritually. If the light is within my heart maybe it will be easier to catch physically. Maybe what I will see everyday in a photograph will be that light. It will let me know that it is near.

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